Where’s The Love?

I’ve noticed a common theme in the life of Chris Horner these past few weeks. See if you notice anything suspect:

Exhibit A: post Fleche-Wallonne, April 19th
Chris Horner feels the wrath of Fleche-Wallonne's Mur de Huy
Photo source: http://www.cyclingnews.com/photos/2006/apr06/
flechewallonne06/index.php?id=fleche_bd_20060419_161033

Exhibit B: post Liege-Bastogne-Liege, April 23rd
Chris Horner is wiped out upon finishing the 2006 Liege-Bastogne-Liege
Photo source: http://www.cyclingnews.com/photos/2006/apr06/lbl06/
index.php?id=lbl_finish_bd_20060423_164901

Exhibit C: post Tour de Romandie Stage 2, April 27th
Chris Horner just won the 2nd stage of the 2006 Tour de Romandie
Photo source: http://www.velonews.com/race/int/articles/9798.0.html

If I ran Davitamon-Lotto, there would be a person on the payroll whose job title reads “Chris Horner’s Cabana Boy” — someone whose sole responsibility consists of waiting at the finish line of every race to provide Horner with a freakin’ chair. Is a wee bit of post-race comfort too much to ask? This man is riding out of his skin, and what happens when he crosses the finish line? Horner just wants to sit down and compose himself, scarf down a Coke, maybe get the grime wiped off his face, and he’s got nothin’ but cold, damp asphalt/concrete at his disposal. And a couple of months ago Horner had to hit up a California bike shop for a tube, CO2 cartridges, and a seat pack for his Ridley so he wouldn’t be stranded on a pre-TofC training ride. Where’s all that megabucks ProTour team budget going? Can’t someone at Davitamon-Lotto toss some spare change Horner’s way so he can at least have one of these in time for the Tour de France:

a post-race chair

The Essence of Amstel

Forgive me for posting rather infrequently these days, but my pesky Clark Kent duties have proven to be a rather pernicious intrusion into time formerly devoted to my exhaustive ingestion of all things pro cycling.

Limited time, limited verbiage, however, does not necessarily equate to limited understanding. One only needs to glance back in American history to the power of economical word choice. Esteemed orator Edward Everett bloviated onwards for approximately two hours at the dedication of the Gettysburg cemetery, then handed over the rostrum to Abraham Lincoln who laid waste to the previous speechmeister in 2 minutes.

While my prose will likely never be equated to the rhetorical gifts of Honest Abe, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 2nd annual distillation of Amstel Gold into haiku form. There’s no need to read those lengthy cyclingnews, velonews, pezcycling, etc. reports, when everything you need to know has been condensed into 68 finely crafted syllables:

Frank Schleck
Anonymous Lux
All those pre-race favorites
Can’t catch me, bitches!

Steffen Wesemann
Effervescent watts
Sweet…I ripped the field to shreds
What the…? Who’s Frank Schleck?

Michael Boogerd
Waiting for Oscar
Phil, Bobke mock my tactics
Once more, I blew it…

Chris Horner
Sole Yank at Amstel
Tour of Georgia?…Full of scrubs
Give me a man’s race

Post-Roubaix

Why does Team Discovery Channel hate George Hincapie? He got the Rumsfeld treatment: “George, you go to Roubaix with the cheap-ass commuter franken-bikes we have in Waterloo, not the pull-out-all-the-stops setup you want”.

If Lance Armstrong wanted to win Paris-Roubaix, he wouldn’t be rolling into the Compiegne staging area on this rig (I’m surprised this hasn’t been purged from the site yet). Which Trek engineer would have the balls to tell Armstrong his Roubaix killer is nothing more than a crappier version of his road frame married to a commuter bike rear triangle? I think it would rather be something on the order of this: Roger Hammond’s custom ‘cross bike. Except Lance would have got on the phone to Keith Bontrager,

“Keith?…Yeah, this is Lance. Winning le Tour is fine and all, but I really want to stick it to Frenchie. Make me a bike that will win Paris-Roubaix. Pull some of that crazy Santa Cruz ‘cross karma out of your ass, dust off the torches, and make me something sweet. I want five proto-types in a week. And they better be at the UCI weight minimum and strong enough to hit every freakin’ rock in 3 Peaks and not break.” 

Click. And this would be in January.

It’s funny, for a company that has Keith Bontrager on the payroll and an ex-world champion on the roster, Trek makes a pretty crappy ‘cross bike. But the fine print states Roger’s not riding your ordinary X01, he managed to have a custom frame built with Madone geometry. Slap some fat road tubulars on that and you’re good to go 259 km of Paris-Roubaix madness. Maybe George would have been arriving in the Roubaix velodrome like this instead.

Pretty much all of the ProTour teams who fielded riders with a chance of being a factor in Paris-Roubaix rolled out their special, cobble-crunching Roubaix bikes, and it pleases my aesthetic inclinations that the adaptations are subtle, not the beat-you-over-the-head-with-a-sledge-hammer-mad-scientist-cobble-tamer designs of years past. The tech warfare was beginning to get way out of hand, and then Frederic Guesdon thankfully burst that bubble with his 1997 win on a totally rigid, goddamned tank of a bike. It was all steel, had 36-spoke MA-40 wheels, and he even had the audacity to win on clinchers. I think it actually weighed in at a not-so-svelte 22-23 lbs. Outside of Team Discovery Channel’s micro rear suspension setups, to the untrained eye (hell, even the trained eye) this year’s Roubaix beaters were decidedly normal. There’s really nothing more to Roubaix success than doin’ it old-school like Peter Van Petegem: fat tubies, box rims, and a Rolls saddle.

Now, let’s make fun of some people…

Allesandro Ballan: Was Lampre too cheap to spring for 2 pairs of ‘cross levers, did Ballan and Franzoi have to split a set and use one each? Actually, Franzoi did have a complete set on his bike which leads me to believe that Ballan conjured up the same idea as me, you really only need one lever dedicated to feathering the rear brake for micro speed adjustments.

Frederic Guesdon: Holy crap, what the hell kind of cable hanger is that? Did the mechanic find some random pieces of scrap metal lying in the street and say, “Yeah, that’ll work…” It’s not like FdJ didn’t have an elite worlds ‘cross racer (Frances Mourey) finish on the podium this past January. Don’t they still have some ‘cross parts lying around in their truck full of tech goodies? And I hope somebody re-aligned his rear wheel before the race started…

Tom Boonen: Boonen pulled the old Jedi mind trick on cyclingnews.com, because I don’t think he rode this bike during Roubaix. Mr. Cyclocosm mentioned this before, but check every photo of Boonen during Roubaix and look at the bar tape and fork colors. Different bikes.

Obi-wan Boonenobi: “This is the bike I rode”
Hapless journalist: “Yes, this is the bike you rode Tom”
OwB: “Move along, there’s nothing to see here”
HJ: “Yes, we’re moving along.”

Day at the spa: Things are a bit different when you’re a scrub team in an uber-Classic. You know you don’t have a chance in hell of doing well, so you have to set your sites a bit lower. And for Agritubel, those sites are stupefyingly low. This is what they race for, the chance for their highest finisher (in this case Christophe Laurent, 39th place) to have his bike styled by some Euro fashion plate. Check it out, the wash is over and now it’s getting the blow drier treatment. And I’m sure everyone in the grupetto were wondering just what the hell was going on, because Laurent just barely squeaked by his Lithuanian teammate Aivaras Baranauskas (41st place) with a mid-pack bike throw for the honors. Also, based on photos I’ve seen over the years of the rider’s abysmal, medieval post-race showers, I think I’d opt to get hosed down in the parking lot by my mechanic to cleanse myself of Roubaix grime before he gets to work on the bikes. I’m surprised Laurent isn’t out here getting the deft power-washer/blow-drier treatment along with his bike.

Oops: I think he blasted that rear derailleur, too…

Can we go home now?: And let’s hear it for Koldo Fernandez (80th), Andoni Aranaga (87th), Markel Irizar (91st), and Joseba Zubeldia (102nd), the poor bastards from Euskatel-Euskadi who drew the short straws and had to race The Hell of the North. Those freaky Basque mountain goats actually survived and didn’t bail in the first feed zone. Chapeau!

Express Yourself

There are quite a few rider nicknames floating around the past and present pro peloton. Outside of a few apt and appropriate monikers like “The Tashkent Terror” (Djamolodine Abdujaparov) or “The Cannibal” (Eddy Merckx, of course), one has to admit the corpus of material is rather staid, if not out-and-out pitiful. Amongst the league of nations making up the pro peloton, however, the Italians seem to be in a class by themselves regarding not only their predilection for embarrassing nicknames, but their continuous prediliction for self-administered embarrassing nicknames.

But it just can’t end there. Nope. These lame-ass nicknames come to life on their saddles for all the world to see. Let’s take a walk down memory lane:

1. Claudi Chiappucci aka “Il Diablo”

Claudio Chiappucci Il Diablo saddle, found at http://www.gs-bike.com/shop/index.php?cPath=37&osCsid=7d1e556d726f14edae2eb4f273594128
Image source: http://www.gs-bike.com/shop/index.php?cPath=37&osCsid=7d1e556d726f14edae2eb4f273594128

It’s hard to be a badass “Il Diablo” when you’ve got a cherub face and looked to be all of 16 years old while in the prime of your cycling career. Plus, there was already a fetid German dressed in a devil suit spectating at every Tour de France you ever rode who already laid claim to being “The Devil”. Claudio, you’re a day late and 20,000 lire short…

2. Marco Pantani aka “The Pirate”

Marco Pantani Pirate saddle, found at http://www.herneweb.com/image.php?imageID=197
Image source: http://www.herneweb.com/image.php?imageID=197

I’m not the biggest Lance Armstrong fan, but he hit the nail on the head during his 2000 Tour de France Ventoux gifting fallout,

“I call him Elephantino, not Il Pirata because last time I checked you’re not supposed to give yourself nicknames,” Armstrong said. “The Italian media gave him the name Elephantino, so for me that’s the official name. I can’t say my name is ‘Big Tex’.”

Game, set, match to Mr. Armstrong.

3. Paolo Bettini aka “El Grillo” (The Cricket)

Paolo Bettini World Cup saddle, found at http://www.cyclingnews.com/tech.php?id=photos/2004/tech/features/sanremo/MSR04_05
Image source: http://www.cyclingnews.com/tech.php?id=photos/2004/tech/features/sanremo/MSR04_05

Ok, at least Bettini didn’t commit the fashion crime of having some chirpy Jiminy Cricket icon flitting about on his saddle, but this faux pas comes pretty close. After winning the World Cup, Bettini showed up at the beginning of the next season sporting this World Cup homage saddle on his ride. The problem is, you can’t autograph your own saddle. That just needs to be excised with an indelible Sharpie right away.

4. Filippo Pozzato aka Blond Angel

Filippo Pozzato's Blond Angel saddle adoring his Milan San Remo winning bicycle, found at http://www.cyclingnews.com/photos/2006/mar06/msr06/index.php?id=Pipposaddle
Image source: http://www.cyclingnews.com/photos/2006/mar06/msr06/index.php?id=Pipposaddle

Oh. My. God. Is this the saddle of the man who just won the 2006 edition of Milan-San Remo, or is this the saddle of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer character. If I were a UCI commissaire, Filippo Pozzato would have been relegated to last in Milan-San Remo for fashion crimes against humanity.

Thankfully, there are a few Italian professionals sporting saddles which carry a wee bit more gravitas than “Blond Angel”. Leave it to me to scoop the cycling paparazzi with these images:

Exhibit A. Filippo “Die Lance Die” Simeoni’s fizik saddle:

Filippo Simeoni's Lance tribute saddle
Simple, yet elegant. Says Simeoni, “Now Lance can kiss my ass every time I ride my bike”.

Exhibit B. Giovanni “Jules” Lombardi’s saddle:

Giovanni Lombardi's Pulp Fiction tribute saddle
Quentin Tarantino rips off material from all walks of life. Having been duly impressed by the embroidery on this very saddle visiting the Giro way back when, Jules Winnfield ended up with an amazingly similar wallet in Pulp Fiction. Of course, there can be only one. While Andrea Tafi was still breaking legs in the peloton this saddle was known to make an occasional public appearance. These days the “Bad Motherfucker” torch has been passed to evergreen Giovanni Lombardi. Never mind Lombardi’s prior Grand Tour stage wins and Olympic gold medal, anyone who notches a single season Grand Tour triple-header is a freak.

Just who is that jolly, puffy toff?

Present day Bibendum

My road racing wheels are decked out with Michelin Pro Race tires, my ‘cross bike has Michelin Mud and Michelin Sprint tires for training. Did you ever wonder who that chubby little character on the label is who’s waving at you? The Michelin Man, aka “Bibendum”, hasn’t always appeared in his present benign, innocuous persona. Back in 1898, when Michelin only dealt with bicycle tires, their anthropomorphic tire-man was a cigar-chomping, monocled, sinister icon. Here is Bibendum’s history in a (rather lengthy) nutshell:

The Michelin Man was anything but cuddly in his earliest incarnations. He had a frightful, mummy-like aspect then, and sometimes appeared as a gladiator or a kickboxer. In the Italian market he was a grandiloquent memoirist, a nimble ballroom dancer, and an incorrigible ladies’ man. Stranger still, back then he was known as the “road drunkard.” To this day his official name is Bibendum, the Latin gerundive meaning “drinking to be done.” The name comes from the first series of posters featuring him, which bore the Latin legend Nunc est bibendum–”Now is the time to drink”–and depicted the tire man hoisting a champagne goblet filled with nails and broken glass, sometimes garnished with a horseshoe. The seemingly tortured conceit, as the ad copy spelled out, was that “Michelin tires drink up obstacles”–i.e., they wouldn’t puncture easily.

Yet what sounds today like a preposterously ill- advised advertising campaign made keen good sense at its moment in cultural history. And the quirkiness of Bibendum’s origins is part of what inspires such loyalty among his fans today.
[…]

In 1889 the brothers André and Édouard Michelin took control of a struggling rubber products business in Clermont-Ferrand, an industrial city in central France. According to the company’s official history, a bicyclist came to their workshop in 1889 with a flat tire. Pneumatic (inflatable) tires had just been invented by John Boyd Dunlop the year before. Pneumatics provided a much more comfortable ride than the alternative–solid rubber tires–but they were subject to punctures, especially since roads were so poor. In fixing the flat, the brothers discovered that the customer’s Dunlops were glued to the rims, making patches extremely time-consuming. They soon developed and patented a detachable pneumatic tire that could be repaired in 15 minutes or so. Next they pioneered pneumatic tires for carriages, and by 1895 an early automobile known as the Éclair (it looked like one) completed a 750-mile race on Michelin tires.

During this period Bibendum was in gestation. His first kick in the womb came in 1893 when André argued to the skeptical Paris Society of Civil Engineers that pneumatic tires could “drink up obstacles.” Fetal Bibendum kicked again in 1894, when Édouard motioned to stacks of tires at an auto exposition in Lyon and commented to André, “Add some arms, and you’d say they were men.”

Then, in 1897, while thumbing through a commercial artist’s portfolio, André had a fateful epiphany. It was triggered by a sketch that had been rejected by a Munich brewery, showing a legendary king hoisting a stein and uttering a Latin toast. André told the artist, who went by the pen name O’Galop, to substitute a tire man for the king. In O’Galop’s final version, completed in April 1898, Bibendum is flanked by two tattered, flaccid rivals who couldn’t hold their rusty nails. To contemporaries, the competitors’ caricatured faces were readily recognizable as those of John Boyd Dunlop and the then-chief of Continental Tire.

1896
Image source: http://vintage.artehouse.com/perl/search.pl?search=michelin

If Bibendum was made of tires, the reader may ask, why wasn’t he black? Simple answer: Tires weren’t black until 1912, when makers first began adding carbon black as a preservative. Until then they were either a gray-white or a light, translucent beige.

Early 20th century Bibendum
Image source: http://vintage.artehouse.com/perl/search.pl?search=michelin

While it may seem astounding that a company would base an advertising campaign on a Latin motto, the Michelins weren’t wooing the masses. Both motoring and bicycling were rich men’s avocations. Accordingly, O’Galop’s Bibendum was, like his customers, quite upper crust, smoking a fat Havana cigar and wearing a lorgnette.

Early 20th century Bibendum
Image source: http://vintage.artehouse.com/perl/search.pl?search=michelin

André Michelin gave Bibendum his first speaking engagement in December 1898 at a Paris cycle show. He set up a large cardboard cutout of the tire man at the Michelin booth and hired a cabaret comedian to crouch behind it and provide in-character banter. According to a biography of Bibendum by Olivier Darman, André had specified that he wanted someone with “perfect elocution,” “keen repartee,” and “wit without vulgarity.” So large a crowd is said to have formed around the spectacle that rival vendors became enraged, pushing and shoving broke out, and gendarmes had to be called in to restore order.

Early 20th century Bibendum
Image source: http://vintage.artehouse.com/perl/search.pl?search=michelin

In those days competition was brutal, and so was Bibendum. One poster depicts him as a gladiator in the Coliseum, his sandaled foot across the throat of a writhing, bleeding tire man, with three tattered tire corpses littering the arena behind him. Competitors responded in kind. A maker of solid rubber tires depicted its own symbolic champion, a Pre-Raphaelite beauty, about to drive a huge nail into a cowering Bibendum, who abjectly begs for his life.

Early 20th century Bibendum
Image source: http://vintage.artehouse.com/perl/search.pl?search=michelin

In 1907, Michelin launched a travel magazine in Italy, giving Bibendum a regular column. In one, he wrote of a Ball of Nations he had attended, praising ladies representing various lands. According to biographer Darman’s translation, Bibendum addressed Italy: “O you sublime Madonna, Rome’s destiny, accept my homage, you whose eyes shine with the splendors of the Renaissance.” In an almost cruel postscript, Bibendum reported the crushing impact his social conquests were having on his rivals: “ashen-faced suitors with fixed smiles, living symbols of a shattered illusion.” No Pillsbury Doughboy he!

With iconic status, alas, comes a certain responsibility to one’s public. As a product succeeds, its mascot must appeal to a wider audience–and tone down his sharper edges. In the early 1900s, Bibendum swore off violence and began to strike more playful poses–say, riding a bike while flinging tires like Frisbees–and he increasingly defined himself as the motorist’s guardian angel. In a 1914 poster he assists a family with a flat by donating the biggest, choicest tire from his own midsection, as an azure sky shows through the hole left in his abdomen.

These behavioral modifications were complemented by physical ones. As the late biologist Stephen Jay Gould once observed in an essay on Mickey Mouse, successful mascots frequently undergo an evolutionary process he called “neoteny”: They develop increasingly juvenile physical characteristics, because those are the ones that we consider the most lovable and unthreatening. Like Mickey’s, Bibendum’s head over the years has grown larger relative to his body, his eyes bigger relative to his head, his jaw less prominent, his limbs pudgier. By 1925 he had discarded the lorgnette, and in 1929, during a tuberculosis epidemic, he gave up cigars too.
[…]

-from Michelin Man: The Inside Story by Roger Parloff

Time Warp

Derny racing, circa 1920s:
French motor pacing poster, circa 1920s.

Derny racing, Dortmund 2005:
Motor paced racing at Dortmund, Germany in 2005. Photo URL: http://www.stayer.de/impressionen.php?verz=Weihnachtspreis_Dortmund_2005_Fotos:_Gerhard_Ramme&bild=DSC_0190.JPG#bild.
Photographer: Gerhard Ramme
Image source: http://www.stayer.de/

I envy Edmond Hood. Whether he’s providing insight into the first salvo of Belgian semi-classics from bergs and bars, detailing his runner duties amidst recent winter 6 day events at Copenhagen, Berlin, or Ghent, or shedding light on the truly hoopty technology proliferation of derny racing, this man has an uncanny knack for illuminating the details or the side stories noticeable only to seasoned Euro pro tifosi.

Those derny bikes have a freak-in-the-basement-with-a-welding-torch quality that would make Graeme Obree proud. It also seems interesting to me that the design of the bikes as well as the dernys hasn’t changed all that much over the years (at least to my untrained eye).

Mad Money

Exhibit A:
Floyd Landis, winner of the inaugural Amgen Tour of California, collects his paycheck.

Exhibit B:
Donald Trump, the original billionaire bike race promoter.

I wonder if Floyd Landis knows that the last time a billionaire put on a bike race in the US, the winner walked away with a cool $50,000? That, of course, would be the Donald Trump bankrolled Tour de Trump back in 1989 won by 7-Eleven hardguy Dag-Otto Lauritzen. Seventeen years later, the winner’s payola seems to have shrunk significantly.

The current billionaire to finance a stage race in the US big enough to entice serious Euro talent across the Atlantic is reclusive Denver-ite Philip F. Anschutz, the man primarily responsible for making the inaugural Tour of California a reality. Just take a peak at what this guy owns, it’s mind-boggling. And despite the relative frugality of this rendition’s prize-list, I think Anschutz’s AEG (Anschutz Entertainment Group, the owner of the Tour of California) will very likely be the means to a long-lasting, world-class stage race in the United States. I think the reason that events such as the Red Zinger Bicycle Classic, the Coors Classic, the Tour de Trump, and the Tour DuPont had a relatively short shelf life is that the title sponsors were not really invested in the long-term health of professional cycling. For Donald Trump, it was sheer vanity coupled with the appealing insanity of shutting down streets from Albany to Atlantic City (and particularly Manhattan) for a bike race. For the corporate entities, once their marketing goals were met they just pulled the plug and walked away leaving a race infrastructure without any cash to continue. What’s different this time around is that AEG is in the business of sports and entertainment, and they see a niche in the US waiting to be filled. And AEG is serious about sports and entertainment. Just peruse the abbreviated version of their empire:

AEG is one of the leading sports and entertainment presenters in the world. AEG, a wholly owned subsidiary of The Anschutz Corporation, owns or controls a collection of companies including facilities such as STAPLES Center, The Forum (as exclusive booking agent for sports and entertainment programming), Toyota Sports Center, NOKIA Theatre Times Square, NOKIA Theatre at Grand Prairie and London’s Manchester Evening News Arena; sports franchises including the Los Angeles Kings (NHL), Los Angeles Riptide (MLL), Manchester Monarchs (AHL), Reading Royals (ECHL), Chicago Fire, DC United, Houston 1836, Los Angeles Galaxy and (New York/New Jersey) Metrostars (MLS), two hockey franchises operated in Europe, the Hammarby (Sweden) Futbol Club and management of shares of the Los Angeles Lakers (NBA) and Los Angeles Sparks (WNBA) owned by Philip Anschutz; AEG Marketing, a sponsorship, sales, naming rights and consulting company; AEG Merchandising, a multi-faceted merchandising company; and AEG Creative, a full-service marketing and advertising agency. 

Cycling has already been a part AEG’s world since they also own the Home Depot Center, home to North America’s only(?) indoor velodrome. The junior and senior world track cycling championships have already taken place under their management (although Erik Saunders has some suggestions about amenities). And on top of that, the Anschutz empire includes film production companies, newspapers, and the largest chain of movie theaters in the US.

At the very least, AEG is committed to a $35,000,000 investment in professional cycling over the next 5 years. Just the technology alone in their TofC website has definitely set the standard for delivering detailed stage maps, live feeds, post-stage video and photos. Nobody, not even the Grand Tours, has anything comparable. And with the apparent success of this years’s event (based on huge attendence plus positive team feedback), hopefully AEG can leverage some better coverage on ESPN for future renditions. I think they have the muscle, if so inclined, to bump up daily coverage into a more palatable time slot than this year’s graveyard shift relegation. And please, whoever is reponsible for the ESPN2 coverage should spend some time watching Euro pro cycling, say on cycling.tv, for how a professional bike race should be covered: helicopter shots, onscreen graphics detailing who’s in the breaks, onscreen time-splits, and onscreen distance to the finish will do wonders. And while I would be perfectly content to watch live events such as Het Volk and Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne on my computer via cycling.tv, in order to cultivate the next generation of homegrown cycling talent in the US I think a marquee event readily accessible to the public is a must. I have no idea if USA Cycling was in attendence at the start and finish locations, but I surely hope they were there to facilitate the entry of young talent into the sport. I’m pretty sure several of our current Colorado-born professionals were bitten by the bike bug while watching the Red Zinger or Coors Classic, and here’s hoping that the TofC will have a likewise effect.

Heiden Seek

Autographed photo of Eric and Beth Heiden training for the 1980 Winter Olympics
Image source: Sports Illustrated

Paul Sherwen on Eric Heiden:

USPRO is still around, and I actually rode the first ever event, in 1985. Eric Heiden beat me, I didn’t think that guy with the massive thighs and big ass could beat me on a climb like the Manayunk. Eric had just finished the Giro and won the Intergiro classification, even after riding a Grand Tour, he was a bloody big boy.

I wrote one fan letter in my life. If I had known Evel Knievel’s address it would have been two, but the solitary missive penned by me at the age of 12 found its way to Eric Heiden in the summer of 1980. I must not have been wired quite like other suburban New Jersey pre-teens, at least when it came to sporting devotion. I had given the all-American pastimes of baseball, football, and basketball hearty efforts and I rapidly realized I sucked at each respective discipline. Of the three, baseball was actually my most promising endeavor. However, the only way I could get on base was if I managed to get hit by a pitch. My Bad News Bears-esque coach actually encouraged me to crowd the plate and get beaned, because I could run the bases well if I managed to get to first, but I didn’t think the NY Mets would be looking for someone to get clocked by a pitch at least once a game. Football? I got manhandled, even in pee-wee leagues. Basketball? I didn’t feel like learning how to dribble with my left hand. Plus, there would be no skywalking in my future due to what’s probably (optimistically) my 8″ vertical leaping ability.

Besides having no apparent talent at these sports, what really turned me off was the team aspect. I didn’t like being dependent on other people to play. I really wanted something that I could master and pursue of my own devices. This was the mid-’70s, and I somehow managed to tune into what was going on in Southern California with BMX bikes and skateboards. I, too, started to light it up on 2 and 4 wheels inspired by the team Redline factory pros, Santa Monica Z-boys, and of course Evel Knievel. I didn’t stick with the skateboarding too much since (a) I lost lots of skin and (b) I didn’t have a city full of empty pools to invade like my west coast peers. On the other hand, I fell in love with bicycles. My friends and I would ride all over South Orange, NJ, mostly in search of a means to get huge air. I sought out flights of stairs to clear, I launched myself into the stratosphere from frighteningly high earthen ramps of our own construction, I set jumps on fire, I lined my friends up on the ground and jumped them, and I even dabbled with a friend’s backyard half-pipe.

Big air was intoxicating, but what really thrilled me was speed. There were a few pretty lengthy streets in town with steep grades, and I did my best to get in synch with the traffic lights so I could coast all the way to the bottom without stopping for those annoying red signals. While I was loathe to admit it, to both myself and to my friends, there was a seed planted in the back of my mind about the inevitability of trading in my BMX machine for a road bike if I wanted to really go fast. And while I didn’t realize it then, I was as perfectly located in northern NJ for launching a lifetime of competitive cycling as my Santa Monica breatheren were for skateboarding. There was still an elderly guy riding around town on a gorgeous, chrome track bike, a hold-over from the track racing heyday of Nutley and NYC, who piqued my attention; some of my long-distance BMX adventure rides along South Orange Ave. unknowingly brought me to the neighborhood once sporting the famed early 20th century cycling mecca: the Newark velodrome; thanks to a Sports Illustrated (yes, Sports Illustrated) article I became aware of the nearby Tour of Somerville; Pop Brennan’s bike shop was still up and running; I remember being mesmerized by Breaking Away when it hit the theaters in 1979; and my inner geek brought me to the library where I learned of European professional cycling via Bicycling magazine and the box scores and fine print of the New York Times. I don’t think too many 11 year old American kids knew about Bernard Hinault, Joop Zootemelk, Jock Boyer, a very young Greg Lemond, Bob Cook, the Stetinas, George Mount, Eddy Merckx, but I was absolutely captivated.

Eric Heiden lines up at the Tour of Somerville. Photo found at http://www.racelistings.com/gallery/picz.asp?iCat=31&iPic=110 1985 7-Eleven jersey Eric Heiden lines up in Central Park. Photo found at http://www.centerportcycles.com/pages/scrapbook/scrapbook03.html
Image source (left): http://www.racelistings.com/gallery/picz.asp?iCat=31&iPic=110
Image source (center): http://www.memoire-du-cyclisme.net/
Image source (right): http://www.centerportcycles.com/pages/scrapbook/scrapbook03.html

And then along came the Heidens: Beth and Eric. I was utterly in awe of Eric Heiden’s Lake Placid exploits. You all know the story: 5 races - 5 gold medals. Eric and his sister Beth accounted for 6 of the USA’s 12 medals from Lake Placid. There was some kind of mystique about Eric Heiden which I found compelling: something about excelling in a sport which brought an outpouring of acclaim in the Netherlands and Norway but barely a ripple in America, an inhuman capacity for hard training, and a certain zen master quality which kept him grounded, grounded enough to totally walk away from fame and fortune. But what sealed the deal for me was watching him at the 1980 Olympic track cycling trials. They were actually on tv, likely only for the fact that Eric Heiden was competing. He didn’t make the team, and ultimately it would have been a moot point due to the boycott, but Eric Heiden brought attention to cycling (at least for me). That was the moment where it dawned on me that I should kiss BMX goodbye and buy a 10-speed. So I wrote him a letter and asked for an autograph. And Beth, too, because Eric didn’t have a monopoly on kicking ass on skates and bikes. Lest one forgets, Beth Heiden won the women’s world road cycling championship at Sallanches, France the summer after winning bronze on the ice at Lake Placid. Amazingly, the photo I cut out of Sports Illustrated accompanying my fawning fan mail made its way back to me not too long after I sent if off to Wisconsin.

Of course, the Eric Heiden mystique was a double-edged sword, particularly to sportswriters without any knowledge of cycling. I was looking over some early ’80s New York Times articles to flesh out my memory of Heiden, and the early press was brutal. A scant few months after Lake Placid lore and legend, Heiden lined up at New Jersey’s Tour of Nutley and Tour of Somerville criteriums only to generate these headlines in the sports sections: “No Gold for Heiden in Bike Race” and “Heiden Fails Again as Bauer Wins Race”. Ouch. Later that year, there was a very big money 75 mile circuit race in Manhattan encompassing Central Park and some surrounding city blocks. $15,000 bucks was up for grabs and the cream of American cycling showed up to compete. But look at the Times headline, “Spotlight Too Bright for Heiden”. While Bruce Donaghy narrowly outsprinted Dale Stetina for victory, it was Eric Heiden who was unwillingly made the center of attention even though he bailed half way through the race. The Manhattan Borough president cast adrift the day’s winners and instead called Heiden, already cleaned up and decked out in street clothes, up to the podium and declared the day to officially be “Eric Heiden Day”. Heiden was clearly embarassed and tried to shift the attention back to the rightful podium occupants, the guys who actually finished 1st-3rd, but to no avail.

The next year, 1981, Heiden took out a professional cycling license and embarked on a career which ultimately took him to the Giro, the Tour de France, and the inaugural Philly USPRO title. He paid his own way to compete professionally at two world championships (1982-Goodwood, England and 1985-Montello, Italy) as a teammate for dual Greg Lemond silver medal performances. All of these events, never mind the fact that Heiden then went through Stanford med school and is now a doctor, popped into my head when Eric Heiden made a brief cameo appearance on NBC’s Olympic tv coverage. I don’t know if Heiden has since been sucked into the saccharin NBC puff piece milieu, but I thought it telling that the announcers identified First Lady Laura Bush and daughter Barbara in the stands at the first night of speed skating and yet didn’t say a peep about Eric Heiden sitting there accompanying them, caught on camera gesticulating towards the action down on the oval. Not a word. And I’m sure Eric Heiden appreciates the gesture.

Un-Easy Rider

Rural Louisiana folks roll out the red carpet treatment for two-wheeled interlopers

While perusing the VeloNews photo gallery chronicling the Amgen Tour of California’s Official Athletes’ Presentation/Gala fundraiser, I couldn’t help but notice one of the celebrity photographs up for grabs in the silent auction: a color still photo from Easy Rider autographed by Dennis Hopper. That sure must have been a buzz kill for all of the giddy party people eager to celebrate the ensuing TofC. There’s nothing quite like conjuring up the mental image of Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda getting gunned down in cold blood by Louisiana yahoos at a festive, high-dollar gathering of cyclists. Particularly, since I’d wager that every person in attendance who has ever gone out on training rides in rural settings has likely had at least one up close and personal encounter with rednecks in pickups. In 1969, Capt. America and Billy could very well have been John Howard and John Allis, decked out in a wool kit and leather hairnets while training in obscurity for the Pan Am Games and Olympics, and just as appetizing a target for hate. Have things changed much about 35+ years later? Well, just ask the rider in the photo next to Easy Rider, a certain Lance Armstrong, about the love he’s felt from Austin, TX area motorists.

In 2007, It’s Gonna Be “United ‘Fro Cycling”

Exhibit A:
License to Ill era Beastie Boys
Image source: http://www.genart.org/film.event.htm?itemid=1341

Exhibit B:

Image source: http://www.toyota-united.com/

Guys in matching sweatsuits + faux attitude + a NYC backdrop will forever in my mind equate to mid-’80s Beastie Boys (A). So when the United Pro Cycling Team sashayed out of their ESPN Zone press conference and snapped a Times Square photo (B) this past Tuesday, I couldn’t help but chuckle and wonder who’s at the helm of this operation. Maybe next year’s rendition of United Pro Cycling will take another cue from the Beastie Boys oeuvre and head deep, deep back into the ’70s a la Paul’s Boutique. ‘Cause if you’re going to reference the Beastie Boys, you’ve got to emulate their masterpiece. Which means casting aside your Rick Rubin-fuelled testosterone-fest and ushering in some West-coast Dust Brothers suavity. Which means blown-out ‘fros, monster lamb-chop sideburns, and a proper kit. If you’re going to deck your riders out in stars & stripes then United Pro Cycling has no other choice but making a beeline back to Roger de Vlaeminck and Team Brooklyn. That’s how a stars and stripes jersey should look.

Exhibit C:
Evel Kanyevel
Image source: Kanye West “Touch the Sky” screen capture

And how about some Evel Knievel jumpsuits for après-cycling leisure-wear? Kanye West (or should I say, Evel Kanyevel (C)) is all over that, so you know it’s hot. And Coke-can Easton rigs are way overrated, who amongst us doesn’t love the classic steel Gios ride? I’ll even let them make a few tweaks for the modern era with these provisions: (1) Dura-Ace 10 is ok as long as Shimano creates some custom STI levers with non-aero brake cables and (2) yeah, you can use clipless pedals, BUT (3)deep dish carbon wheels are a no-no, just your classic 32 spoke box rims, (4) you better hit eBay to find some Benotto tape, (5) just for the hell of it, drill the crap out of your brakes and levers, and (6) I’m sorry, no hardshell helmets allowed; hit eBay for some leather hairnets, too. And the team management needs to get Roger de Vlaeminck over here in the States to mastermind another reality tv show. Let de Vlaeminck keep going with his bizarro Zimbabwe Euro ‘cross experiment Allez Allez Zimbabwe in the winter, but have him travel around the US with United Pro Cycling during road season with the cameras running. For if there’s one thing I’ve learned from burning up vast swaths of brain cells while glued to my cathode ray boob tube, the US can never have enough reality television.

I’d buy a membership for that…