An Army of One
 |
| Graham Watson photo |
Come hell or high water, Alexandre Vinokourov will be rolling out of the TdF prologue start house this Saturday. And he won’t care if he’s the only man left on the Astana-Wurth roster legally able to compete in le Tour. In fact, he prefers to race that way. It’s not like he’s had any help from teammates in previous editions of the TdF.
It’s really a rather straightforward proposition: when the prime minister of Kazakhstan is #1 on your speed dial, when the prime minister of Kazakhstan is also the head of the cycling federation, when the prime minister of Kazakhstan counts certain “oil moguls” amongst his innermost circle of influence, when said Kazakh “oil moguls” bankroll the national sporting hero of Kazakhstan, there really isn’t too much to debate about whether Vino will race in France this year. I guarantee Christian Prudhomme has received a phone call or two from the steppes of Kazakhstan which has made his heart skip a beat. The team will likely only be dubbed “Astana” by Saturday, but no matter.
Here’s a peak into the inner workings of Vinokourov, facts that you may not be aware of:
1. How many Kazakhs does it take to fill out a ProTour roster?
AV: To answer said query: just one, if your name is Alexandre Vinokourov.
2. Don’t you need at least one teammate?
AV: I concede victory to your point. The victories in France, they shall flow freely like the crude of Kazakhstan. You’re right, count Andrey Kashechkin in too, Vino knows not the semantic means to gift stage wins to yourself having grown bored of victory itself. Besides, somebody will have to fetch my bidons. And bring honor to his mighty Kazakh national champion jersey already gifted his direction.
3. But aren’t there rules about a minimum roster size?
AV: There is only one rule…When Kazakh ‘oil moguls’ say jump, the ASO says “How high?” Vino laughs at your rules.
4. Aren’t you afraid of getting caught up on the Spanish Operación Puerto affair?
AV: Hear my words, Alexandre Vinokourov takes nothing of the drugs. Or blood. Or hormones. In fact, I give you exclusive tip. DNA testing will show that all of the blood on ice, all of the hormones in refrigerator, it is all mine. I am so pure, so powerful, so mighty, that the European peloton dopes from my body. Tyler? His gold medal is awash with my blood. The blood of Vino flows through Jan Ullrich. The Spanish peloton? My all-natural, 49.99999999% hematocrit Kazakh blood powers them all. I am quite literally, a cycling machine.
5. Do you know who blew the whistle on the lab’s program?
AV: That would be Vino. So much the the blood, hormone, testosterone delivery program. I grew weary. Right now there is one speed in the peloton: the speed of Vinokourov. Everyone rides the fuel, the essence of Vinokourov. We need two speeds again, the speed of Vino and the slow speed of those not of Kazakhstan.
6. I just read a Samuel Abt article which stated you’re a part of the Kazakh military? Any comment?
AV: I am Major in the Kazakh army. Indeed, I am the Kazakh army. When Kazakhstan deploys its fighting force, it sends forth Alexandre Vinokourov alone to conquer. Vino is being sent forthwith to conquer France. And all holders of ProTour license.
Jason wrote:
Pete, you’ve outdone yourself.
Posted on 28-Jun-06 at 5:31 am | Permalink
Peter wrote:
What did you have to do to get this exclusive? Vino is rather well-spoken.
Posted on 28-Jun-06 at 5:53 am | Permalink
Danillo Carsonucci wrote:
Your Kazak Connected!
Posted on 29-Jun-06 at 1:46 pm | Permalink
Matt Smith wrote:
Dear Pete,
At some point, you need to apply your wonderfully wicked sense of humor to Haven Hamilton’s believetyler.org missive on Tugboat’s transfusion.
To wit:
“Transfusing blood from a foreign source is dangerous business. We know this because our dog Tugboat faced the need for a transfusion in June. He had been bleeding internally and had lost over half his blood supply. When the veterinarian recommended a transfusion we agonized over the option for the better part of week. We feared contamination and disease. Only when the situation became “life or death” did we opt to move forward.
When a second transfusion was needed, we reluctantly moved forward again. This time, the effects were devastating. Tugboat was left paralyzed on the left side of his face in reaction to the blood. He never recovered. His final days were more uncomfortable as a result.
With the dangers of transfusing blood so fresh in our minds, it is ridiculous to think Tyler would consider taking another person’s blood.”
Posted on 02-Jul-06 at 11:57 pm | Permalink
Sebastian wrote:
I know I’ve discovered this page two months too late . . . but I’ve still gotta hand it to you on the Vino-speak. I was crushed when he got left the boot. It’s just not cycling these days without him. And without Discovery chasing, can you imagine how many thirty-minute breaks he would have started?
Posted on 24-Aug-06 at 7:54 pm | Permalink