In 2007, It’s Gonna Be “United ‘Fro Cycling”

Exhibit A:
License to Ill era Beastie Boys
Image source: http://www.genart.org/film.event.htm?itemid=1341

Exhibit B:

Image source: http://www.toyota-united.com/

Guys in matching sweatsuits + faux attitude + a NYC backdrop will forever in my mind equate to mid-’80s Beastie Boys (A). So when the United Pro Cycling Team sashayed out of their ESPN Zone press conference and snapped a Times Square photo (B) this past Tuesday, I couldn’t help but chuckle and wonder who’s at the helm of this operation. Maybe next year’s rendition of United Pro Cycling will take another cue from the Beastie Boys oeuvre and head deep, deep back into the ’70s a la Paul’s Boutique. ‘Cause if you’re going to reference the Beastie Boys, you’ve got to emulate their masterpiece. Which means casting aside your Rick Rubin-fuelled testosterone-fest and ushering in some West-coast Dust Brothers suavity. Which means blown-out ‘fros, monster lamb-chop sideburns, and a proper kit. If you’re going to deck your riders out in stars & stripes then United Pro Cycling has no other choice but making a beeline back to Roger de Vlaeminck and Team Brooklyn. That’s how a stars and stripes jersey should look.

Exhibit C:
Evel Kanyevel
Image source: Kanye West “Touch the Sky” screen capture

And how about some Evel Knievel jumpsuits for après-cycling leisure-wear? Kanye West (or should I say, Evel Kanyevel (C)) is all over that, so you know it’s hot. And Coke-can Easton rigs are way overrated, who amongst us doesn’t love the classic steel Gios ride? I’ll even let them make a few tweaks for the modern era with these provisions: (1) Dura-Ace 10 is ok as long as Shimano creates some custom STI levers with non-aero brake cables and (2) yeah, you can use clipless pedals, BUT (3)deep dish carbon wheels are a no-no, just your classic 32 spoke box rims, (4) you better hit eBay to find some Benotto tape, (5) just for the hell of it, drill the crap out of your brakes and levers, and (6) I’m sorry, no hardshell helmets allowed; hit eBay for some leather hairnets, too. And the team management needs to get Roger de Vlaeminck over here in the States to mastermind another reality tv show. Let de Vlaeminck keep going with his bizarro Zimbabwe Euro ‘cross experiment Allez Allez Zimbabwe in the winter, but have him travel around the US with United Pro Cycling during road season with the cameras running. For if there’s one thing I’ve learned from burning up vast swaths of brain cells while glued to my cathode ray boob tube, the US can never have enough reality television.

I’d buy a membership for that…

Comments (1) to “In 2007, It’s Gonna Be “United ‘Fro Cycling””

  1. asics america…

    Best Asics Running Shoes
    Sneakers or even leg techinques have asics gel nimbus 13 been around to get a asics gel kayano seemingly long moment using a maximum in the nineties whenever they was the excitement. That has been in the event the Reebok Pus…

Post a Comment
(Never published)