When one parses the coy, obtuse statements emerging from Lance Armstrong’s initial Discovery Channel press conference, you can’t help but speculate that Johan Bruyneel and Lance Armstrong cozied up with Cycle Sport’s excellent Eddy Merckx retrospective (January 2005 issue) and decided to sketch out a 2005 campaign to close (infinitesimally) the palmares gap, perhaps satiating Armstrong’s “What about the rest of the season?” critics. After all, Lance probably has about 2 good years left and some rather frightfully imposing monkeys still reside on his back (short list: Liege-Bastogne-Liege, Amstel Gold, non-French Grand Tours). Amazingly, rumor has it that Lance is even considering constructing a one-off indoor velodrome at altitude for a late-season assault on the hour record. I can just imagine Lance and Johan flipping through the opening, double-page photo spreads…

pg 8-9: Stately Eddy Merckx poses in front of an Eddy Merckx painting within his factory. (Sorry, no pic to show you, I guess you’ll have to pony up a few bucks for the magazine.)
Johan: “Lance, this one’s easy. I’m sure there’s a barren wall in the Trek factory just itching for some paint-by-numbers Lance Armstrong colossus.”
Lance: “Yeah, those dudes in Wisconsin owe me. It’s too bad that Bob Ross bit it, I sure would have loved him painting a scene of me on L’Alpe d’Huez, torching Ivan Basso, with a few little trees and clouds to keep us company.”

pg. 10-11: Eddy Merckx beach beefcake shot, 1967 Giro d’Italia. (Same scenario, no pic…)
Johan: “Lance, how do we match this, uh, how you say in USA, “Glamor Shots” moment?”
Lance: “No problemo, Johan. I’ve got an Annie Leibovitz photo of me buck-naked on my bike. How do you like them apples, Eddy! Damn, I’m ripped. Ripped!”

pg. 12-13: Eddy Merckx hour record bike on display underground in Brussels, Belgium’s Eddy Merckx Metro station. (Not quite the same as Cycle Sport, this came directly from the Brussels Metro website.)

Johan: “Hmmm…This one’s tough. First, you’ve got to break the hour record. Second, what US metro station would go for such a ploy?”
Lance: “Dude, have you no faith in me? I’m going to kick that record’s ass inside out. And about that metro station plan? Screw that. That’s small potatoes. I’ve got the mother of all plans.”
Johan: “I’m listening…”
Lance: “Do you remember in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure how Pee-wee Herman was looking for his bike in the basement of the Alamo?”
Johan: “Who is this Pee-wee Herman character you reference?”
Lance: “Never mind, Johan, just hear me out. Pee-wee Herman was humiliated because the Alamo doesn’t have a basement, but I’m sure with W. on my side I could build a basement for the Alamo and store the hour record bike there in a glass enclosure. How sweet is that? My own shrine at the Alamo, the dream of every Texan. Besides, mass transit sucks ass.”

pg. 14-15: Panoramic shot of Barcelona with Eddy driving the break in the 1973 professional world road championships.

Enter Pietro Hymasini, the Ghost of Eddy Merckx’s past.

Pietro: “Lance, Johan, I think it’s time for this little charade to end.”
Lance and Johan: “WTF?!?!?!?!”
Pietro: “Look closely at this photo and I will point out a heretofore unknown Eddy Merckx fact that will forever put the kibosh on your farcical “I wanna be like Eddy” crusade. Check out the man with the ‘fro. Do you know who that is?”
Lance and Johan peer intently: “Nope.”
Pietro: “Here’s a magnifying glass. Have a closer look. Lance…sure, you’re shacked up with soft-rocker Sheryl Crow and you may hang with the Wallflowers from time to time, but only on Planet Armstrong does that equate to street cred. Eddy Merckx has the ace-in-the-hole to end all ace-in-the-holes: that gent with the Afro is none other than incognito Eddy Merckx fan #1, MC5 frontman Rob Tyner. For this reason alone, Merckx has no peers in cycling lore and legend. How about them apples, Lance? The MC5!”
Lance and Johan: silence
Pietro: “I thought so. How about in 2005 you win Amstel Gold, maybe the Giro, and call it a career. My job here is done. Later…”

Poof! The ghost of Merckx’s past has left the building.