Lost Luggage…

“Hello, front desk?…Yes, this is Jean-Luc Jonrond, manager of the RAGT team, something has gone horribly awry with our team’s luggage…Well, I’ll tell you what’s wrong, our team is missing all 9 of our Suitcases of Courage, do you have any idea where they may be?…What! Thomas Voeckler has them all!…Can we have them back…(click)…Hello? Hello? Front desk?”
“Hello, front desk?…Yes, this is Manolo Saiz, manager of the Liberty Seguros team, some of our luggage is missing and I demand to know their whereabouts…What are we missing? Well, our team’s 9 Suitcases of Courage aren’t here and we need them desperately, I insist that they be found!…What! You know where they’re located?…Where?…Thomas Voeckler has them!…What room is he (click)…Hello? Hello? Front desk?”
“Hello, front desk?…Yes, this is Julian Gorospe, director of the Euskatel team, our Tour just fell to shit and now some of our luggage has been misplaced…Well, I’ll tell you exactly what’s gone missing, our 9 Suitcases of Courage. Where are they?!?…What?!? Can you repeat what you just said you lowly French turd of a man?…Thomas Voeckler has them all and I can go fuck myself?…Can you at least give one back for Inigo Laudaluze (click)…Hello? Hello? Front desk?”
Stupid Light

“Hello, Time?…Yeah, this is Tom Boonen, you know, the young Belgian phenom who’s riding for Quick Step?…Well, funny you should ask how I’m doing. You see, I’m currently in Le Tour and today I CRASHED ON MY FUCKING FACE when one of your cheap-ass carbon stems snapped in half…No, I don’t want a replacement! I want a stem made out of aluminum that won’t snap off my bike when I get out of the saddle. Do any of your “engineers” actually test the shit you give us? (click)

“Hello, Tom Ritchey?…Yeah, this is Rene Haselbacher, you know, the Austrian pro who’s riding for Team Gerolsteiner?…Well, funny you should ask how I’m doing. You see, I was in Le Tour until I CRASHED ON MY FUCKING FACE when one of your featherweight handlebars snapped in half during a raging stage finish…Whatever, talk to the hand. Thanks for breaking my nose and ribs, ruining my season, and making Robbie McEwen want to kick my ass. If he kicks my ass then I’m flying to California to kick yours (click).

Where were you during The Cyclysm?

                           Stage 12      Stage 13
Denis Menchov       @0.59          DNF, on a plane back to Russia
Iban Mayo              @1.03          @37.40, dreaming of boarding a plane back to Spain
Gilberto Simoni      @1.32          @3.43
Levi Leipheimer     @1.59          @6.39
Jan Ullrich              @2.30          @2.42
Roberto Heras        @2.57          @21.35
Tyler Hamilton        @3.27          DNF, on a plane back to Marblehead
Haimar Zubeldia     @18.33         DNF, on a plane back to Spain
Ivan Basso              @0.00          @0.00, not giving one fucking inch

Stages 12 and 13, Random Thoughts

1. US Postal has the absolute strongest team that I can recall since the 1985/1986 La Vie Claire squad, but US Postal actually gets along without any factional infighting.
2. Vladimir Karpets (Illes Balears): What a name, what a lid of hippie hair. This guy is HUGE (6′1″, 165 lb.), he’s only 23 years old, and he’s a climbing machine, channelling the Rare Groove essence of Henk Lubberding. After 2 days in the Pyrenees Mr. Karpets is sitting 21st overall and 2nd in the White Jersey competition. Perhaps someone to watch for the future?
3. Drunken, crazy fans (primarily Basque?): I’m utterly amazed that Basso and Armstrong didn’t get knocked off their bikes during their upper ascent of Stage 13’s Plateau de Baille. If I was climbing amongst such insanity I’d have an industrial-sized container of pepper spray to nuke the eyes of anyone putting their grimy mits, errant flags, stupid-ass cattle horn hats, or flopping manhood (did you happen to notice the Naked Guy?) anywhere near my body. You could almost read the minds of Basso and Armstrong when they glanced at each other upon reaching the 2km to go barriers, “I can’t believe we didn’t get knocked on our asses”.
4. Sportsmanship: I frequently have mixed feelings about Lance Armstrong, but by no means does he deserve to get spit upon and given the finger during the final kilometers of his dominating performance on the Col du Tourmalet. You guys are class acts…
5. Greg Lemond: Are you jealous of Armstrong? Still pissed off that a near fatal gunshot wound robbed you of the opportunity to win 5 Tours? Unless you’re in possession of definitive proof that Armstrong ingested illicit performance-enhancing substances then shut your piehole.
6. Puma: What do they supply CSC? Is Ivan Basso strutting around the race hotel in some sweet Puma Suedes? A 70s-era sweat suit?
7. Nike: Damn you, evil swoosh! All of those Lance Armstrong commercials with the acoustic guitar soundtrack are really starting to grow on me. Did the same people who resurrected Nick Drake in the VW ads make these too? I’m hooked…
8. GMC: This has nothing to do with cycling, but I couldn’t help but notice the commercial that has snippets of The Dandy Warhols’ “Bohemian Like You”. Did any of the brilliant ad guys listen to the lyrics, because it concerns destitute hipsters talking about how their cars broke down. Maybe the message is everyone in the commercial used to be a starving artist with a crap car, but then they cleaned up their act, bought GMCs that actually run, but still worship their inner bohemian by playing frisbee from within their car (because they no longer want to sweat).

Post a Comment
(Never published)