Euro Racing Truisms

Thanks to the Wayback Machine I recovered this gem penned by Bill Innes. If you’ve ever got some time to kill and want to read the rest of Bill Innes’s stuff put www.kissena.org into the Wayback Machine and check out his series of entries in 2001.

Euro Racing Truisms
31 July-2001

1. You will be confused.
2. You will begin to understand the metric system.
3. You will start to comprehend temperatures in Celsius.
4. You will have money from many different countries.
5. You will wonder why American money is one color.
6. Going to the supermarket is an adventure.
7. You will buy things at the supermarket that you don’t need (because they look cool)
8. You will get tired.
9. You will get sick.
10. You will get tired of race food.
11. Waiters will get you anything you want.
12. You will miss Mexican/Chinese food.
13. Waiters cannot get you a burrito (no matter how much you ask).
14. You will get tired of hotels.
15. You will wonder why windows have no screens.
16. There are a lot of bugs in Europe.
17. You will watch a lot of Eurosport.
18. You will watch a lot of Mtv.
19. You will see a lot of television that you don’t understand.
20. The movies have an intermission.
21. There will be one American song that you will hear incessantly.
22. You will hear Euro-techno-pop-dance-crap at all hours of the day.
23. You will want to buy a scooter.
24. You will wonder why America doesn’t import small/fast/nimble/economical/well designed Euro cars.
25. You will wonder if you really need an SUV.
26. You will rarely see an SUV.
27. You will be amazed at how fast people drive.
28. You will be amazed at how narrow the roads are.
29. Drivers will not yell at you while you train.
30. You will motorpace a lot.
31. Races are fast.
32. Italian races are faster.
33. You will race a lot.
34. You will see very high heart rates.
35. You will spin out your 53-11 regularly.
36. You will spin out your 53-11 uphill (in Italy).
37. You will love your bed.
38. You will cherish the act of sleeping.
39. You will cherish the act of eating.
40. You will love the bread.
41. You will love anything for sale in a bakery.
42. Everything in Italy tastes better.
43. You will begin to understand a foreign language (or three).
44. You will drop out of races.
45. You will try to win races.
46. You will never win in Italy.
47. You will hear rumors of drug use.
48. You will see drug use.
49. You will be tempted to use drugs.
50. You will never win a race in Italy without drugs.
51. Race promoters will always find cobblestones.
52. Race promoters will always find a really annoying hill (or mountain, or two).
53. Race promoters will always find at least one dangerous turn.
54. Race promoters will always play Queen’s “We are the champions”.
55. You will have this song stuck in your head for the entire drive home.
56. Euros do not like turning.
57. Euros will fight for every centimeter of space.
58. You will be cut off regularly.
59. You will curse at other riders and they won’t understand you.
60. You will crash.
61. You will never warm up with your helmet on.
62. No one will ever yell at you for not wearing a helmet.
63. You will wear shoe covers even though it’s hotter than hell.
64. You will wear leg warmers even though it’s hotter than hell.
65. You will see riders racing on equipment that you wouldn’t train on.
66. These riders will beat you regularly.
67. You will learn to get by without things you once thought you needed.
68. People you hardly know will help you.
69. People you hardly know will wish you luck.
70. You will see a lot of spectators at races.
71. European women wear very tight clothing.
72. European women wear transparent clothing.
73. Italian women are the sexiest women on the planet.
74. You will miss your girlfriend.
75. You will be happy that you’re not racing in an industrial park, again.

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